Church Humor

Do you enjoy church humor?  The following list was emailed to me the other day....

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A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
 

His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible

means? The son replied, "I do know!"
 

"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
 

"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for

'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.' 

=======

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her

brother in another part of the country.
 

"Is there anything breakable in here? asked the postal clerk.
 

"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

========

"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. 

There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and

there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

========

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he

was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
 

Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled

the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive

us our trespasses."
 

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this

note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket

I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

========

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his

congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have

enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's

still out there in your pockets."

========

While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
 

The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached

to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient

vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

========

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls,

what do we know about God?"
 

A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
 

"Really? How do you know?"  the teacher asked.
 

"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

========

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a

long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many

cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
 

"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as

if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
 

The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my

business."

========

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of

attention.

========

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson

was about.
 

The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
 

Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed.  Later in the day, the pastor

stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school

lesson was about.
 

He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

========

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the

congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for

repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the

regular organist was sick and a substitute had  been brought in at the last

minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
 

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to

think of something to play after I make the announcement about the

finances."
 

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we

are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected

and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please

stand up."
 

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
 

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist! 

 ========

read more...

Retired Husband

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Clifton:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Clifton, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail from a jar of brown gravy on the floor leading to the both the ladies and men's restrooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

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It Is So Hot....

IT'S SO HOT THAT...

..The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

..The trees are whistling for the dogs.

..The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

..Hot water now comes out of both taps in the sink.

..You can make sun tea instantly.

..You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

..The temperature drops below 95 F (35 C) and you feel a little chilly.

..You discover that in August it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.

..You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.

..You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

..You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.

..Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

..You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

..Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.

(originally from http://www.mikeysfunnies.com/)

Did you know that summer is a great time to start up a new business?

We encourage you to check out our brand new site about how to make money online: Make Money On The Internet.

In addition, if you are struggling with debt, we also encourage you to check out another one of our new websites: How To Get Out Of Debt.

If you are looking for more funny jokes like the ones you just read above, Amazon has some really great deals on joke books right now.  In particular, we recommend 777 Great Clean Jokes by Abraham and Ken.

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God And Science

Someone sent us this very funny joke about God and science.....

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God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, "Lord, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing." The scientist continues to say "In other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning."

"Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God.

"Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of You and breathe life into it, thus creating man."

"Well, that's interesting. Show Me." exclaimed God.

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.

"Oh no, no, no..." interrupts God, *"Get your own dirt."*

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Little Johnny Strikes Again!

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up and the teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?'

'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'

* * * * * * * * * * *

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?'

Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'

Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .'

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A Collection Of Very Funny Airplane Jokes

Airline Announcements?

*****

United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!

*****

On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. '

*****

'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'

*****

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.

She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'

'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'

The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'

*****

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'

*****

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.'

*****

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'

*****

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo . Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'

*****

'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'

*****

'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses......except for that gentleman over there.'

*****

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City . The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.'

*****

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'

*****

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.'

*****

Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'

*****

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'

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A Funny Thanksgiving Joke

Woman To Stock Boy: "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

Stock Boy To Woman: "No ma'am, they're dead"

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Ode To The Spell Checker

Eye halve a spelling checker
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marks four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My checked tolled me sew.

--Author Unknown

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7 Stories Which Show How Incredibly Stupid Americans Have Become

Seven stories which show how incredibly dumbed down Americans have become.....

#1) I walked into a Burger King with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free'. 'They're already buy-one-get-one-free', she said, 'so I guess they're both free'. She handed me my two free sandwiches, and I walked out the door.

===================

#2) One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said, 'Where?'

====================

#3) I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open.

I told him, 'The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.'
He responded, 'Is that Eastern or Pacific time?' Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, 'Uh, Pacific.'

====================

#4) My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seatbelt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

====================

#5) My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

====================

#6) I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.

She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now ,' she asked me, 'has your plane arrived yet?'

====================

#7) While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding.

'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.'

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Some Really Funny Church & Bible Humor

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly, " It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'

=======

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments" answered the lady.

========

"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

========

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

========

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

========

While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

========

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

========

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

========

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

========

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

========

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

read more...